Communicating your Sexual Needs

Discussing all things sex and consent have been part of my every day jargon for many years now. It's essential to my work, and obviously also talking about consent to any sexual partner I may have outside work.

However I have noticed something recently, and also understand that it has been a bit of a failing on my part to not recognise this earlier, but openly talking about sexual wants, desires and needs, isn't something a lot of people are used to discussing. I know that when I first meet a client, and we've shared a drink and chatted on my lounge, and it's getting closer to the more physical time, that I am going to bring up consent, and it is quite possibly (and sadly) the first time they've ever had a consent conversation.

Many aren't even sure how to answer, and so I lead by example with my own boundaries; 'Don't bite me, although I have recently discovered I enjoy a good nibble on my nipples, and I enjoy pretty much everything, and I'm happy for you to explore as you like, and I will just let you know if something hurts or is something I'm not comfortable with'. The replies vary, but typically happy to follow along with the organic flow of things, kinda like what I talk about in the consent post.

Here's where the problem I've been noticing arises. Whether it is subconscious or not, there is often a heteronormative sexual script. Let's kiss and cuddle, and fondle, and remove clothes, play with bodies, hand jobs, oral sex, penis in vagina (PiV) sex, man comes, the end. A lot of my sexual play with clients goes somewhat along those lines, though usually with more oral and hand stuff happening after some PiV, maybe multiple times, but then also typically ending with me coming.

Which I still find a little odd, considering when I first started in this, before I'd met a single client, I thought my penis would pretty much be ignored. Which of course, hasn't been the case at all. However I don't always come. Not that it is a requirement on my end, in the slightest, but often my partner does want me to finish. I am just kind of a regular guy, at the end of the day, and I too could quite easily come within a few minutes of PiV. What I've found is that the more I delay myself, can make it harder to come when required. And by required, I mean once my partner is absolutely satiated, and they are happy to wrap things up, and for them that means they would like me to come.

But is this what they actually want, or is something that has essentially been programmed into them by that heteronormative script?

I had a lovely overnight date with someone I've seen for a few years last month, and we did all the things that do, and she told me how much she enjoyed everything that I had done to her. It was that wording that led me to ask her in the morning, and what has essentially led to this blog post.

'What would you actually like to do?'

For the most part, I believe this is something I've not lingered on before with clients, as they indeed have a very lovely time, but also women typically bear such a burden of the mental load of their lives, having someone else remove some of that thinking is a blessing (so they tell me, in regards to drinks and platters etc). Consensually following the rough guidelines of that heteronormative sexual script leads to a great time, why mess with that at all?

Asking what you desire sexually is actually a big question, only overshadowed by the bigger switch that must first take place, and that is to allow yourself to even ask that question of yourself, to give yourself the permission to think about what you actually want sexually.

In monogamous relationship settings, this allowance, this asking, can seem terrifying. I say this from the stories I hear, and also my own experiences in relationships. Sex was something we did, but definitely didn't really talk about. The only time I ever really experienced totally judgement free communication about sex with a partner, was also with my first ever PiV partner. We were young and curious, and asked all of the questions of each other, discovering our sexual selves along the way. I don't think many people have ever had a partner like, and I can't remember having discussions with partners like that since. I did once bring up with a very long term partner that I would like her to put a finger in my butt, which she just gave a hard 'no' to. I obviously didn't push that further, but was pretty thrown back that they wouldn't even consider it, or even try it out.

Recently I met a new client for the first time, and when they reached out to book another date, I asked if they had felt anything was missing from that first date, pointing out that PiV hadn't happened at all (to be fair, it was only a short date). Not that I required it, I was just pointing it out in case it was something they did want to happen, and if they did want that, then I would know to try to bring it into our next play session.

She replied and brought up something she hadn't felt comfortable talking about in person, which I won't go into the specifics of, but it was truly so lovely to hear a woman tell me very precisely how they would like things to go next time. Not because I know exactly what to do (well maybe a little), but because she had given herself permission to look deeper inside of what she actually desired from an intimate encounter.

Which is no easy feat. On my Fans page early last year, while reading Gillian Anderson's collection of women's fantasies 'Come', I attempted to do the same, and discover my own fantasies, and even what I would love in a sexual encounter. While I honestly enjoy my encounters at work, and have done all sorts of things I haven't even done in my personal life, those times aren't about exploring what I would like, what I desire from sex. I don't actually know the answer, or maybe what I already do is my desire? I do know that kissing and the closeness of naked bodies is absolutely my favourite thing and what I hope happens every time. Beyond that, I do just enjoy it all (and if I don't, I'm comfortable to say so).

So, what do you want out of sex? What do you desire? And how can you communicate this to your partner? The person I asked that question of, after our overnight date, hasn't got back to me with an answer yet, but thanked me for bringing it up at all, as it was something she hadn't even considered before.

PS: this overly wordy blog post has been brought to care of Ritalin x