Language and Communication

I was educated at a Grammar school, and for most of the history of social media and text messaging I have been rolling my eyes at the abuses to the English language. Like the wrong usage of 'they're, their, there' or worse yet, 'should of'.

But all of that can go to hell. Not just because my own punctuational nuances have been brought under scrutiny in the past year while my editor rolls her eyes at my book drafts, but because it just doesn't matter. Our language, as with all languages and methods of communication, are designed to do exactly that; communicate. To share an idea, a thought, an experience, with another person, in a way that they can understand it.

I do understand that when someone writes 'should of' instead of 'should've', and which 'they're' they're trying to articulate. Drawing attention to it may sound like helping someone to change how they do something, but all it does is draw attention to your educational entitlement. Because our language is classist.

Communication is vital for sexual relationships, and we still have so many barriers to overcome that aren't just focussed on language. We carry with us social conditioning, shame and stigma when it comes to discussing our sexual desires and needs. There's also not only these things for us to tackle when discussing what we want, but we also need to unpack this conditioning when asked by our partner to do something we may think is 'gross' or too much. I experienced this myself many years ago, when I asked my then long term partner about exploring some butt stuff (on me) and they flatly said no, with a look of complete disdain. Obviously it was something I didn't ask again about (coercion) and was well before I learned about Dan Savage's Three G's. Similarly I've been asked lots of things outside of my own experience and desires by clients, that I've taken a beat (or more) to ponder over (so far I've done all of the things asked, because exploration is fun - not because I ever felt I had to).

Conversations I've had with clients and friends, and my own past experiences, it does feel/sound like a lot of poeple in relationships struggle to ask for what they would really like for fear of it being a 'deal-breaker', or worse yet, their partner thinking less of them for even asking, because it isn't something that they did before. But we change. We discover new things, we get curious, but then toxic monogamy makes us think that means our partner isn't satisfied with the way things are (also possibly true).

Communication isn't just about speaking. Certain disabilities will require assistive devices to communicate, like an AAC board, or decent lighting for lip reading. There's communication through body language, hand taps and squeezes, and of course, non-language based audible cues.

Language is also vital in the bedroom, and beyond just its requirement for consent. What words we use for sexual organs and positions will vary from person to person. If I ever use the word 'cunt', I'm certainly not picturing a vulva. It's a term saved for friends or enemies, depending on the inflection I use. I would never use it in the bedroom, unless specifically asked of me, as the association just isn't there for me, but it is also not a word many women want to hear (the book I'm currently reading 'sheds light on the biases that shadow women in our culture and shows how to embrace language to verbally smash the patriarchy').

'I love to feel your pussy engulf me,' may arouse some, but be a turn off for others. So it's best to have the conversation early on about words that are turn-ons and turn-offs.

Do say, 'I want to eat your arse'.

Don't say, 'I want to tongue punch your balloon knot'.

Do say, 'Can In suck your cock?'.

Don't say, 'May I lick your doodle'.

What words do you love to hear moaned in your ear? What word makes your skin crawl?

PS I'm torn on what to do about the word 'vulva'. Sex ed was terrible for all genders, and often women refer to their vulva as vagina, but I don't try to correct them. I do use vulva as appropriate (haha) but also it doesn't roll off the tongue quite like vagina (boom tish). Pointing out the usage of word (when I understand what they mean already) feels like mansplaining women's anatomy to women. Perhaps that answers my question, I'll just stick to correcting men on the use of the word vagina to vulva.