Transactional

transactional 

[tran-sak-shuh-nuhl, -zak-]

/ trænˈsæk ʃə nəl, -ˈzæk- /

adjective

• of or relating to the process of conducting business.

A leading authority on ethical issues in commercial practice, she has designed classes and materials to teach students transactional skills.

• of or relating to personal or social interaction characterized by mutual influence and exchange.

The teacher questioned each pair of students in turn about the transactional nature of the role play—how their partner's statements or behavior shaped their own.

• of or relating to an attitude in which personal interaction revolves around cost and benefit.

There is a shift toward a more transactional relationship between a synagogue and its congregants, where the focus is often on dues and program fees.

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A few recent conversations have led to this blog post.

The very nature of sex all work is transactional, although sometimes this can feel a little tricky when it comes to the intimacy experienced in time spent with an escort, especially with those happy hormones bouncing around during and afterwards.

There are a bunch of boundaries that this transactional arrangement helps maintain for both parties involved. As I said in that SBS Insight episode, as much as I’m paid to turn up, I’m also paid to bugger off again. Most women that I see live full and busy lives, and enjoy slipping into our little intimacy bubble as required, and then heading back to their lives, without me constantly messaging them, and vice versa. 

I also don’t ‘sell’ my body. I sell my time. Bookings of two hours or more aren’t all physical (hence the downward sliding scale of longer bookings), so my body is (obviously) there, but not accessible for the whole time. I have physical boundaries, as do my lovers, things we cover before anything physical happens. 

The transactional nature also brings emotional boundaries with it. I am Samuel during our time together, and not *****. While we are obviously very much the same person, there are things I prefer to keep private. Just for me. Falling in love with me, well, it isn’t me. It’s a version of me, one that I’m happy to share within the confines of our arrangement.

I have found, both for myself and those that spend time with me, that there is a huge, positive swing to that emotional boundary, the transactional nature of our time together. We are not in some kind of monogamous relationship, which seems to allow us to peel away fears of expression when it comes to fantasies and desires. We can be as intense and as playful as we choose to be. For me, this means I can show up and give my all, within those confines. I have done many things I’d not done in my private life, or sometimes even things I hadn’t even thought to try out. I’ve experienced firsts I never thought I would, like a prostate orgasm (there are other things, but I’m trying to keep this a little PG). And that was possible from the mutual safety and comfort we both felt, that I could give that part of myself over, because of trust. Something I’ve not always had in my personal life; when I asked a partner many (many!) years ago to do that to me, they very flatly said no, and looked visibly repulsed by the mere mention. I never brought up any new fantasies after that.

Sometimes there are expressions that I am only sleeping with someone because I’m being paid to. Which is precisely correct. But it also doesn’t mean that the intimacy isn’t genuine, that I don’t truly enjoy that time we spend together. It means that even when all the stressors of life are weighing heavily on me, I can shed them for a few hours, and be present and playful. If not for the money, I would have a lot of girlfriends/play partners that I would let down by cancelling because I don’t have the spoons, or because I’d be working forty to sixty hours in another job. 

Transactional? Yes. Disingenuous? No.